hellblazer

• 22:04 Punisher Armory to the rescue :-) The gun I was trying to think of yesterday is the Ram-Line Extractor -- tinyurl.com/yeh6hd8 (cont)
• 22:06 Ram-Line is primarily a plastics company and while they're still in business, the Extractor hasn't been manufactured since about '95.

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• 09:00 419 response to my email was disappointingly generic. I think I might need to be more overt about offering the services of a squad of mercs.
• 09:00 Also, I'm pretty sure my Star Wars references were lost on them. I should probably be more blatant about those, as well.
• 10:24 For the third day in a row it is balls cold in the shop. I'm pretty sure it's warmer outside than it is in here.
• 11:20 I changed my username up. Let me know if you think it works or not.
• 15:36 What should I do for dinner tonight?
• 15:54 I decided I didn't like my new username. I'm fickle that way.

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• 22:28 The hope, at this point, is that granola doesn't really "go bad" in the way that we understand the phrase.
• 08:08 So far three people have walked into the shop today bitin' my style.
• 15:11 I'm looking for a specific gun I saw years ago in G&A. However, I'm thinking googling "polymer .22" at work is probably a bad idea.
• 15:29 I'm also looking for plot details of what I =think= was an episode of The New Twilight Zone.
• 15:31 I found an episode guide, and apparently one of their third-season eps was titled "Rendezvous in a Dark Place" :-)
• 16:39 Still unable to find the exact weapon I'm thinking of. Guess it's time to dig out the Punisher Armorys and see what I can find.
• 19:20 "Cloud City's for old people. Hoth is for pussies. And Endor? Go fuck yourself." www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmBQxSHwlgA

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• 18:27 Oh, would you look at this shit? Christmas lights are already up downtown.
• 21:45 "You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama." "I got a weird thing for girls who say 'aboot'."

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• 21:42 Anybody have a need for some denim? I just dug half a dozen pair of jeans out of the bottom of my closet.
• 21:43 And the logic I'm going by is that if I haven't missed them in the better-than-a-year since the last time I saw them,
• 21:43 then I might as well get rid of them. Better to give them away than toss them in the bin, I guess.

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• 10:54 I wave at people when they have their hands full of stuff because I hope their reflexes will kick in and they'll wave back.

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• 11:52 I woke up literally ten minutes ago. I can't remember the last time I slept this late.

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• 12:20 I'm taking the fact that I just *found a crossbow* as an indicator that I might want to be a bit more vigilant about cleaning my apartment.
• 13:28 YES. Have recieved reply from 419 spammer. Reading it now.
• 17:09 Noticed that Stephen King's 'Under the Dome' is out. I'd be more excited if I hadn't put 'Blaze' down halfway through out of utter boredom.
• 20:51 Continuing my habit of doing my soap shopping in the "Wow, they still make that?" aisle, I picked up a 4-bar pack of Safeguard today.
• 20:57 Next time I need soap I'm gonna see if I can find some Lifebuoy.

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• 16:22 Christ, I was DOIN' WORK for the majority of today, but at 4pm I just kinda ran outta go-juice. I feel like I could sleep until Sunday.

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This is the text of the email that I got from "Miss Marram Mohammed" --

From Miss Marram Mohammed.
Abidjan. Cote D'Ivoire,


Hello Dear,

With profound respect and humble submission, I beg to state the following few lines for your kind consideration, I hope you will spare some of your valuable minutes to read the following appeal with sympathetic mind. I must confess that it is with great hopes, joy and enthusiasm that I write you this mail which I know and believe by the faith that it must surely find you in good condition of health. My name is Miss Marram Mohammed, I am the only Daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs Dandy Mohammed. My father was a highly reputable business magnet who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days.
It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad on the 20th May 2007. Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of mine who travelled with him at that time. But GOD knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 6yrs old, and since then my father took me so special.

Before the death of my father on May 2007, he called me and informed me that he has the sum of Ten Million, Five Hundred thousand United State Dollars.(USD$10,500,000.00) he deposited in a private Bank here in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire.. He told me that he deposited the money in my name, and also gave me all the necessary legal documents regarding to this deposit with the Bank
I am just 20 years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do. Now I want an honest and GOD fearing partner overseas who I can transfer this money with his assistance and after the transaction I will come and reside permanently in your country till such a time that it will be convinient for me to return back home if I so desire. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I also want to invest the fund under your care because I am ignorant of business world.
I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:
1. Can you honestly help me from your heart?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the fund has being transfeered to your account and i come over to meet you ?
Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as possible. Immedaitely I confirm your willingness, I will send to you my Picture and also inform you more details involved in this matter.
Anticipating hearing from you soon.
Kind Regards,
Miss Marram Mohammed

This is what I sent back --

Dear Miss Mohammed,

Please forgive my delay in responding to this matter. My colleagues and I have been engaged in an exceptionally difficult extraction and acquisition operation for the past two months. You might say that I have been very far out of the country.

As regards to your situation, I think you have come to the right person. I don't know how you got my email address or what impulse led you to contact me (General Skywalker would no doubt say it was The Force), but it was very fortuitous for you that you did; this is the kind of thing that we specialize in. My team and I can help get you the funds that your late father left you, we can get you out of the country, and we can capture the man that you believe to be responsible for your father's death. Also, if you do not desire his capture, we are fully capable of dealing with the problem via other methods.

We sometimes incur massive expeneses in the course of our operations, and while we are able to offset most of them via the use of an alternate revenue stream, my partners and I are businessmen who will require compensation. If all you desire is the acquisition of the funds and your extraction from the Ivory Coast, we are willing to accept a flat fee of 10% of the total number value of the monies retrieved, either in Euros or Pounds Sterling. By which I mean that since your father left you 10.5 million USD, our fee would be 1.5 million Euros or Pounds, not the USD equivalent thereof. If you wish us to capture your uncle in addition to these two services the price goes up to 15%, and if you wish us to deal with the issue of your uncle via other methods the price goes up to 25%.

These fees, unfortunately, are non-negotiable. I realize that they might seem steep, but be aware that you are purchasing the services of one of the most highly trained, highly decorated, and successful commando units that has ever served the New Republic. We engaged in hundreds of missions under the command of General Airen Cracken, ranging from search and destroy to sabotage to information acquisition to the retrieval of both materials and/or personnel. The team consists of Siv Ghendon (information systems specialist and combat expert), Gordo Reform (infiltration specialist and hand-to-hand combat expert), Smokewana (pilot specialist and demolitions expert), and myself, Terok Vega (close-quarter combat expert and retrieval specialist). Because of the differing circles of our disciplines of expertise we are adept with coming up with solutions to almost any problem or scenario that presents itself but please advise if you feel that we might need the services of specialist of a discipline not represented (a medical specialist, for example). The alternative revenue stream that I mentioned can be used to engage the services of any independent contractors in any discipline that you feel are necessary.

I look forward to hearing from you in the future, and I am hopeful that we can engage you as a client.

Yours, Terok Vega

• 10:53 RT @warrenellis "pitching my new tv show BACHELOR ROULETTE: ONE OF THESE WOMEN IS OFF HER ANTI-PSYCHOTICS AND WE GAVE HER A GUN"
• 11:43 Getting to take a lunch for the first time in two days. It wasn't so bad on Pouring-Rain Tuesday, but it was torture yesterday.
• 20:04 RT @Templesmith: I am scared. tinyurl.com/ygwej6s Retweeting largely because their tagline fucking SLAYED me.
• 20:07 Also, I have decided that I massively prefer Spaz to Twitteriffic. You can stop holding your breath now.

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• 19:31 This voice that Justin Long is doing in Zack and Miri Make a Porno is fucking genius.
• 21:29 Jesus, work kicked my =ass= today.

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• 08:38 Today's awesome name from spam: Tenedac Watooblis
• 20:16 I found myself thinking the other day that I wouldn't mind having a nice hat. Then I remembered that that's not really an option for me.
• 21:17 I tried to post a pic of my hair using twitpic but I don't think it worked. I'm just a simple unfrozen caveman, your modern world scares me.
• 21:24 Savage Sword of Conan Vol. 4 'til 10 or so, then sleep.

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• 14:29 It occurs to me that I might ought to get my long coats to the cleaners before it gets for reals cold.
• 14:42 It's nice out and my head could use a little clearing, I think. I'm going for a bit of walkabout.
• 21:26 I'm at 1,666 twits, so that means I can't twitter anymore or I'll ruin it.
• 21:27 Hey, waitaminit. Goddammit.

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• 12:41 Shaft -- Glaringly obvious #realfilmsnotpornfilms

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About a year and a half ago I created a new gmail account. I made it to avoid cluttering up my primary email address after I joined a few Mandalorian costuming boards, so I decided to see if I could get an account under the name of my old character from Dave's Star Wars campaign. Turns out I could, so I did. I don't use it that much and it doesn't see that much traffic, but last week I visited the boards again for the first time in a while, which made me think about the email address again, so I went and checked it.

In my inbox there were four pieces of email from the boards, and a piece of email from "Miss Marram Mohammed". Her father, incidentally, was a highly reputable business magnet. He died suddenly, and left her a large sum of money, which she wants to bring to America, she needs my help, blah blah yakkity-smakkity blah blah blah. A Nigerian 419 scammer, obviously, but I am mightily -- MIGHTILY -- tempted to answer the email completely in character and offer the services of myself and the other members of my team to assist in making sure she can hold on to the money and in apprehending (or, you know, killing) the "uncle" that she blames for her father's untimely death.

• 15:10 "Designed for industrial laundries". What does that mean, exactly?
• 17:28 LSU fans have descended on T-town. *sniff sniff* You smell that? That smells like corn dogs.

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• 15:06 Half a dozen sips in and I realized what's off about this coke that I just got out of the machine; it's cool, at best. Definitely not cold.
• 15:56 Weather alert for tonight: Frost Advisory. Weather alert for tomorrow: Fire Weather Warning.

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• 18:46 Damn right I'm kickin' back and eatin' a banana twin. You just mad 'cuz you ain't got one.

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• 18:39 Stuck at work for another couple hours at least. Weak. Sauce.
• 18:42 Just came THIS CLOSE to walking out of the shop without my keys. That would've sucked quite a bit.
• 19:19 I was about to park it in the break room before I realized I could peep an episode or two of Coupling on Netflix watch instantly.
• 19:20 Speaking of which, "Watch Instantly" really lives up to its name when you're not on an internet connection that's a biscuit above dialup.

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• 13:51 The smoothie I just drank had 720% of the RDA of riboflavin =and= B12. My piss is going to be VISIBLE FROM SPACE. #overshare

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• 11:52 Super-Cute Japanese Girl is cooking something that smells like two parts fish and one part hot death.
• 17:28 Link: Guns :: Payless Merchandise - Cameras, Camcorders, MP3 players, Computers, Jewelry, Razor scooters,... tumblr.com/xtb3t1e4g

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• 17:13 Today's awesome-ass name from spam: Hortensia Oberpriller. I think that's what I'll name my first daughter.

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• 08:11 I should probably start taking steps that result in me having a cup of coffee in my hand right about now.
• 08:12 Of course, it would probably help if I'd been awake for more than fifty minutes at this point.
• 18:05 Thinking about downloading Google Chrome. yes/no/maybe/who gives a fuck/why don't you have it already you goddamned luddite?

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• 22:14 Y'know, even when I was ten, I thought Starfox was creepy. "Why fight at all when I can overwhelm his rage with waves of... *pleasure*?" Ew.
• 14:57 Dear whoever was in the bathroom before me: Go see a doctor, PLEASE. Your colon quite simply can't be healthy.

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• 21:56 Reading a run of The Incredible Hulk up to issue #300; DAMN, Bill Mantlo was one alliterative motherfucker.

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• 12:29 RTFMFT @warrenellis: This just in: redheads are still agents of the devil
• 19:21 As condiments go I've never been a big mustard guy. So I'm wondering how I've ended up with three different kinds of it in the fridge.

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• 16:47 Man, it is like a Home Depot Superstore on the Strip. WTH, people?

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• 18:47 Link: LD200 Dickies Industrial Workhorse Jean - New Pants. tumblr.com/xtb3ki3ce

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• 08:05 Cloudy, 53 degrees, and 76% humidity. This weather == a hobo's dickcheese.
• 10:53 Quote of the day from Warren Ellis: "JUST BUNG IT IN BAG AND SEND IT BY CARRIER DONKEY"
• 12:02 Weather is much better now that the sun is out. I could get used to this.
• 13:24 Link: M-51 Engineer's Field Bag - Black | The Supply Sergeant - Final-round contender for a new... tumblr.com/xtb3jx6bj
• 13:25 Link: X-CART. Powerful PHP shopping cart software - BLACK LANTERN SYMBOL T-Shirt - Parts for Hallowe’en... tumblr.com/xtb3jx6oo
• 13:25 Link: 1570448_7994_625x625.jpg 625×550 pixels - Parts for Hallowe’en costume idea. tumblr.com/xtb3jx6wh
• 13:25 Link: Zombie Makeup on Spirit Halloween Costumes - Parts for Hallowe’en costume idea. tumblr.com/xtb3jx72z
• 14:46 Unless a LOT of pallets get added to the pile I saw at lunchtime, we're in for one sorry-ass excuse for a bonfire tonight.
• 19:27 On closer inspection, the bonfire looks to be about 1/3 the size of previous years. Recession?

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• 23:54 Okay, seriously, @shitmydadsays is genius. #latetotheparty

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• 12:13 In PO box: padded envelope, small box, and=four= pickup slips. Holy crap what'd I buy?
• 20:04 I need to eat, I guess, but I'm not really hungry so I want something fun. I'll be taking suggestions 'til 8:30-8:45.
• 20:48 The decision has been made: Sushi for dinner. Stopping at Publix on the way back for paper towels, TP, and Boo Berry.

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• 14:26 The more I think about it, the more I think this =has= to be one of those things that my brain made up and convinced me was true...
• 14:27 ... but I very clearly remember an incident of bestiality on an episode of The Garry Shandling Show.

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• 18:57 Urf. I had less for dinner today than I usually do, but I feel like I've way, =way= overeaten.

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• 23:26 I need a tux, don't I?

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• 10:25 I need to throw down an ebay bid right before I walk out the door to go home today. Don't let me forget.

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• 15:24 RT @NathanFillion: Johnathan Frakes is directing. Yesterday, he called me Number One. My heart made a noise that sounded like awesome.
• 16:57 Good Lord, why am I wearing a white shirt? I look like the Michelin Man.

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• 19:29 Guess who has to venture forth into the rain because he forgot to go pay the rent yesterday? #goatfuck
• 19:33 The same dumbass who left his gorram umbrella at work Friday.
• 19:49 The dumpster behind Galette's smells like a Bible story; I think somebody's dead in that thing.
• 20:58 Does anyone need or know of anyone who needs a bunch of DVD cases? Moving mine to notebooks to save space & I hate to just trash all these.
• 21:00 Why in the world do I own 'Signs'? Did somebody give me that?

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• 10:55 Good LORD; 'Hand Banana' is the best fake name EVER.
• 11:54 If you're in Alabama right now my advice is to not be in a building. It's pretty damn nice outside.

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• 13:51 Link: TherionArms - arms and armor resource links - The last time most of these links were updated was six... tumblr.com/xtb3c83te
• 18:20 You know what's awesome? Quantum Leap on Netflix watch instantly is awesome.

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• 17:04 For the second year in a row I have inventoried =nothing= on inventory day. Victory is mine.
• 18:03 Sad face.

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• 10:54 Hurm. I'm not sure the part of my phone that just came off is actually supposed to come off.
• 13:14 Wow. Isn't =that= interesting?
• 20:19 Gorrammit, where the dick is my fucking phone?
• 20:38 Oh, there it is. On my desk, =at work=. Obviously.

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• 10:09 Dear Gmail: Stop sucking.

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• 08:00 I have been awake for exactly thirty minutes.
• 08:26 Also, my right cheek feels like I got punched last night, and I'm pretty sure I didn't.
• 14:01 I don't feel good at all and I =really= want to go home, but I know it's just because I only got three and a half hours of sleep last night.
• 14:02 Even back in my Young Man days I needed at least four to be able to function, and those days are behind me.

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• 13:58 I'm forced to work with people who think "What kind of memory card is it?" is a technical question. #neverwonderwhyiwantyoualldead

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• 22:03 Just finished dinner with Michelle, Bess, Roach, Matt, and Sarah. Easily one of the top three Red Meat Sundays ever.
• 22:35 There is a panel in Savage Sword of Conan Volume Three where Conan the Barbarian pours some out for a dead homie. WIN.
• 10:12 Dear National Weather Service: WE KNOW IT'S RAINING. Posting a new flash flood warning every fifteen minutes isn't really necessary.

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• 14:09 I didn't wake up until noon; therefore I think it's more than a little sad that I'm seriously considering taking a nap.

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• 15:26 "We're just happy to be doin' good works."
• 17:42 I imagine I'm one of the few people who would walk past the BBQ joint and the sushi restaurant and think they both smell really good.

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• 19:16 I just showed Sabrina an S-shield and her eyes lit up. I'm so proud.

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• 09:38 Sweet bleeding JESUS I hope it hurts to be stupid. I hope it burns, every second of every hour of every single day.

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