January 7th, 2003

Self-Portrait 3

"Everybody Else is Doing it, So Why Can't We?"

Okay then. Here's what I got for Christmas this year:

Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook got Wrong-- So far it seems to be less what the textbooks "got wrong" and more stuff that was deliberately left out or covered up so as not to expose the seamy underbelly of America, but I have no problem with that.

Black Panther: Enemy of the State-- The second Panther trade paperback. I'll probably pick up the first one this weekend.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone-- To replace my copy that was lost by irresponsible motherfuckers who don't know that you don't loan out books that you borrowed from someone else.

Planetary: All Over the World and Other Stories-- The first Planetary trade, in swanky hardcover.

Ash/Evil Ash Two-Pack-- Plastic Army of Darkness goodness from McFarlane Toys. Since I already have an Ash (I picked up one of the individual figs back when they first came out), the sculpt on Ash's face bears enough of a resemblance to Treat Williams that I'm seriously considering painting on a beard, making a little flannel shirt and turning this one into a chainsaw-handed Andy Brown, terrorizing the citizens of Everwood by cutting their firewood for no charge.

Robotech 1:144 scale VF-1S-- Not the transformable Veritech, but at least the super-poseable. Currently rampaging throughout the confines of my apartment at war with Black Convoy Optimus Prime.

The Onion: Dispatches From the Tenth Circle 365-day tear-off calendar-- Today's headline: "Baby Shower Attendees Immediately Drain Box of White Zinfandel"

The Onion: Ad Nauseam-- All the online articles from October 2000 to October 2001, which means it includes absolute gold like the "Mayhem 2000" and "HOLY FUCKING SHIT: Attack on America" articles.

Halo, for the Xbox-- Now I see what all the fuss is about. Great game, and mulitplayer's a ton of fun. Which is good, seeing as how I've been stuck at the end of the fourth or fifth mission for a week now. I only wish it had bots so I could play deathmatch by myself for practice.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for the Xbox-- Very, very well done game. It reminds me a lot of Tomb Raider, except the controls and the camera are actually good, and you get to kill vampires and other assorted nasties. I think I need to practice a little more with the controls, tho'. I've gotten to a level with a lot of jumping in it and I've already died three times because my dumb ass either hopped or just flat-out walked off a cliff.

The One-- Jet Li fights his evil twin in a story originally written for The Rock. It's a hell of a lot more well-developed and entertaining than it sounds, and even if it wasn't, watching Jet Li bitch-slap cops with a motorcycle is a bargain at twice the price.

Waiting for Guffman-- One of the full-on gayest things I've ever seen, which translates to me as "funny as hell". I'm the same way about gay people as Michelle is about Jews, except I have no desire to chug cock. And what I mean by that is that Michelle is so ultimately entertained by the Jewish experience that she actually wants to be a Jew, while I'm happy with being absolutely entertained by gayness, and staying straight. I didn't mean Michelle wants to chug cock.

An Evening with Kevin Smith-- A compilation from various college Q&A's that he did last year. It basically boils down to about four hours of stand-up, because Kevin Smith is a really funny guy.

And, last but not least, a card with a valuable cash prize inside from my mother. Apparently the woman thinks I'm a bum; all she ever gives me is food and money.

Damn, I racked the fuck up this year.

Dave and Cooper promise that I have another present coming from them, so I haven't been going out and buying myself anything other than music, which for some reason no one ever gives me. I got The Eminem Show and Fear of the Dark (Maiden's ninth album) on CD, but I also picked up London Calling and Bat out of Hell on vinyl, which I guess means I need to dig my turntable out of storage. Or just buy a new one. My old one's a piece of shit anyway.
Self-Portrait 3

Jesus H Christ 2: Kevin Bacon says "No."

I was bouncing around looking at semi-random peoples' journals when I noticed that Adam mentioned playing a lot of GTA3 and specifically cautioned 10-year-olds to stay away.

Funny you should mention that, because just this morning Retard John was telling me about how much his 10-year-old son loves to play GTA: Vice City. I learned three specific things in the course of this one-sided conversation (All my conversations with Retard John are pretty one-sided. My part in them is usually limited to trying desperately to hide my horror and/or revulsion and/or abject fear while repeating at random intervals either "uh-huh" or "Damn, John, that's fucked up".), and I'm not sure which of the three frightens me more.

1) Retard John has a ten-year-old child.

2) Retard John has a ten-year-old child that he not only allows but actively encourages to play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

3) When Retard John's ten-year-old son plays Vice City, his favorite thing to do is pick up a hooker, take her to one of the many garages scattered throughout the city, then get out of the car and run out of the garage, thereby closing the garage door and trapping the hooker inside. He claims to have at least one in every garage.