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"Yo, did you see that shit? I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pubeless ASSES."
John Constantine
hellblazer
I'm in a pretty good mood today. I went home at lunch and ate myself a somewhat burned cheeseburger (damn you, George Foreman), which is good, seeing as I'm still at work. Then again, I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I cooked the damn thing. So I guess you're off the hook, George. Anyway, at least I thought to grab my CD player on the way out the door, so I don't have to sit here and listen to myself think to pass the time. That's never a good idea.

It kind of bothers me that I'm in such a good mood today. Not much is different from this time last week, other than I'm now the proud owner of a three-bill impulse buy that's turning out to be a rather fine little piece of digital camera technology. I spent a bit more than I was intending to spend on a camera on it, and I fucked my budget all to hell (in the ass, no less), but all in all I'm very happy with the purchase. It's a very nice camera. It has all the features I was looking for and then some, it's got a really good warranty, and on top of all that it came with not one but two 16 meg memory cards. So while it was a very poorly thought-out impulse purchase, it was still a very good purchase, which just proves my point that I do my best work when I don't make the mistake of ignoring my instincts. And the matter of my budget being fucked is going to be a concern for not quite another 29 hours, which makes it not a concern at all.

Still, is that all I am? I'm in a shitty mood, so I blow a few hundred bucks and everything's better, no problems here? God, I hope not. If I really am that shallow then maybe I need to go on and shoot myself after all, because that's pretty fucking worthless. Even if it's bullshit, I like to think I'm a better person than that. I like to think that my improved outlook comes not from the act of consumerism itself, but from the fact that I enjoy the freedom to perform the act. I'm in the enviable (and also somewhat dangerous) position of being answerable to no one but myself. While it is true that by virtue of the way I view the idea of "friendship", I have a responsibility to certain people [a responsibility that I failed to live up to at one point this weekend, for which I hope I can be forgiven], I don't have to answer to anyone. For anything. The consequences of my actions (and my inaction) are mine and mine alone to deal with, and have no bearing on anyone else. It makes it very easy to do something that you just goddam know is a bad idea with absolutely NO other justification than "fuck it", which is very liberating, and very frightening, all at the same time.

I have no clue where I'm going with this, so on a somewhat unrelated note:

Today, for absolutely no reason at all, I thought about Bess. And it made me smile.