October 17th, 2003

Self-Portrait 3

(no subject)

-- Well, any conspiracy theorists who've said that professional sports are rigged have been pretty decisively proven wrong: A Sox-Cubs World Series would have been a success of untold proportions, a license to print money for anyone who could get a piece of it. But the Yankees and the Marlins? Jesus. I know people who like baseball who couldn't give a fuck less about a Yanks-Marlins series.

-- I'd planned on going out to the quad tonight to practice my falls, but the torrential downpour this morning took care of that plan. And speaking of torrential downpours, if I'd actually thought it was going to rain today I wouldn't have worn the shoes with the hole in the sole.

-- Tonight, at least, promises to be very relaxing. Get home, make myself some dinner, a nice hot shower and a shave, and after that I'm either going to (a) watch a movie, (b) read, or (c) sew another patch on my jacket. And then be in bed by eleven. Doesn't that sound like fun?
  • Current Mood
    relaxed relaxed
John Constantine

(no subject)

I feel like my world is too small and too big all at the same time. I feel trapped, smothered, like I'm being buried by an avalanche, but at the same time I'm floating, thrown away from everything. All I can do is watch, can't touch. I'm on the outside looking in. Which, I guess, shouldn't surprise me. I've felt that way my entire life, mostly because it's true. No matter where I go or who I'm with I'm the one of these things that's not like the other. I'm the one of these things that just doesn't belong.

But I've never felt it as acutely as I do now, never felt so helpless and powerless to do anything. I feel like the people I'm closest to are shutting me out, like no one wants me in their lives anymore. I don't suppose I blame them, really. Everyone I know is moving on, evolving, changing. I've been standing still for the past seven years, afraid to take the tiniest step away from where I am. Liking things just fine the way they are, thank you very much. Up and down, up and down, but I'm not moving with the wheel, the wheel is just moving around me. I'm not even sure anymore if I'm turning it or not. The more I think about it, the surer and surer I become that the answer to that question is no. The world keeps turning around me and all I do is sit back and watch it go by. Because I'm too afraid to do anything else. Or maybe because I just can't make myself care enough anymore.

Or maybe I've finally gotten far enough along that I can accept something I've known for a long, long time now. Maybe I can just live my life being alone, now. I've always said at my lowest points that I felt like I was destined to live my life alone, but mostly that was just me having a fun little pity party; now I see how very very close it is to the truth. I can get by without other people, I've been doing it for a while now. And I really don't think there's anyone in this world who needs me in their life. Anyone, if there is anyone, who disagrees, just think. Just take a second and think. Would your life be any different if I wasn't in it? Would it really?
  • Current Music
    Miles Davis - Flamenco Sketches (Alternate Take)