December 29th, 2003

Self-Portrait 3

(no subject)

I attach far, far too much significance to the things that happen in my life, most especially the things that I do. Perhaps I shouldn't say significance, that's not the right word, because I've realized that they are, one and all, very significant. I think maybe the word I'm looking for, the concept I'm trying to communicate, is weight. They all matter, they matter to me and they matter to other people. They matter to my friends. But even to those people, they're just one thread in the tapestry of existence, and even if they do have an effect on the overall pattern, they can't break the thread and they can't destroy the pattern. No matter what I do today, tomorrow, the sun will rise. And I'll have another chance to get it right. So in other words I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay. Sure, we all stumble every once in a while. To be honest, we stumble quite a bit. But we'll manage to put ourselves right eventually. The turntables might wobble but they don't fall down.

I guess this year I get not so much new year's resolutions as new year's revelations. Everything seems so perfectly clear right now. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter what we do, tho' it may sound that way. What I'm saying is whatever we do, we'll accept it into our lives and work through it. Ten years from now you'll look back on everything you did this year, now matter how good or bad, and see how it shaped you as a person. That's pretty much the only choice we've got, other than the ol' hollowpoint brain wash. Which, in all honesty, is a terrible idea. Take whatever comes, the good and the bad. It makes you better. It make you a more complete person, which in turn makes you stronger. And make no mistake, the things that happen to you now are still shaping you as a person, no matter how old you are. It's so, so terrible that we've all been raised and people are still being raised with the mistaken belief that your teens are your "formative years", and then once you get to eighteen or twenty-one you're an adult, and you're the person you're going to be. You're an adult, sure, but "the person you're going to be" is a myth. We never stop learning. We never stop growing. At least, not if we're lucky, we don't. Your level of maturity and your ability to deal with people and the world around you is in a constant state of progression. It's one of those things you get better at as you go along.

Which as I see it is one of my main problems. There aren't nearly enough experiences in my life. I don't think there's enough experiences in anybody's life, but most especially mine. So many things I've never seen, so much I've never done.

Man, this is going to be so much fun.
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