February 26th, 2004

Self-Portrait 3

"Uh oh, look out! The monkey's thinkin' again!"

-- I had forgotten how good it felt to do something just for me. Not because someone else told me to, or someone else wanted me to, or I got paid to, but because I wanted to. Because I made a conscious decision and I said "I want to do this", and I did. The sense of accomplishment I felt last night, and still feel, has been rejuvenating, refreshing, and clarifying. My head is in a much better place now, and as a result I'm thinking a lot more clearly now than I have been for a while. Which is good, because I was about to do something =really= *fucking* stupid.

-- On a related note, I'm not sure, but I think my weird mental state lately might be me freaking out because I'm turning 30 in a couple months.

-- I had a very good but far too short conversation with Luke last night that made me realize that my self-esteem is shit. I know, any one of you probably could have told me that, and it's not like I didn't already know it, but I think I have a better understanding of exactly what it means now. Apparently a lot more people give a damn about me, and have a much better opinion of me, than I had previously realized. I'm special, motherfucker, and god-dammit, people like me.

-- I'm happy, and what's even better is that regardless of what happens to me in the next seven days (which are going to be interesting as fuck, let me tell you), I think I'm going to stay happy.

-- Part of the conversation I had with Luke last night has got me to thinkin'. Purely for my own edification, I'd like to ask everyone who reads my livejournal on a regular basis (or everyone who's reading this right now, whichever applies in your case) to say hi in the comments for this entry. Literally, you don't have to offer forth an opinion or anything, just say hey.
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