November 5th, 2004

Self-Portrait 3

I just "SAW" a really crappy movie!

Sweet merciful crap. Just got back from seeing Saw. Absolutely awful. When Shelli told me they were going go see it, and asked if I wanted to go, I responded with, 'sure, it can't be any worse than Suck-spect Zero'. My my my, how wrong I was. People in Suspect Zero at least moved from one place to another, and there was scenery, the entertainment value of which I can now see I've severely underestimated.

There were a couple, and I mean a couple, of inspired things in the direction. The final minute -- literally the final sixty seconds -- looked cool, at least, and the twist was good if you didn't see it coming, tho' honestly it was the very first thing that crossed my mind as the movie began. There was one thing in the movie that was genuinely creepy, and that's all the good I have to say about Saw. The direction and the editing were a collection of recycled MTV fast-cuts+"watch me clumsily ape David Fincher" crap, the dialogue was almost nothing but -- and I mean that literally, almost every single line -- very clumsily written exposition, and what wasn't clumsily written exposition was just clumsily written. Calling the pacing "trudging" would be a disservice to trudgers everywhere, and the score was so uninspired that I don't honestly remember if there was any music. I assume there was music there, but I can't swear to it.

The acting was shamefully bad. Danny Glover and Cary Elwes may as well have replaced all their lines with "Yeah, I got a house payment to make. Fuck you.", and the only difference would have been no exposition to move the plot along while they were talking. Except there really isn't a plot to move, so fuck it. By far the worst performances I've EVER seen either one of them deliver. A glance at the IMDB tells me that the other lead with Elwes was the screenwriter, which explains why his acting was so abysmally, horribly BAD. He's a much better writer than he is actor, and his script was terrible.

It's official. The Crush has been VERY decisively dethroned as the worst film I've ever paid money to see. Given that these two piles of asspaste have only Carey Elwes in common, I'm gonna go watch The Princess Bride to get the taste of this crap out of my mouth, or I won't be able to stomach the sight of him.
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